Monica oh Monica!

And we thought all she knew how to do was not multiply...

Monica

Two fer One

It's that time of year again, when people come together to celebrate a very special holiday.... My Birthday!

And for my birthday today I got two cool unexpected presents. Wall Street announced that this years bonuses would be the highest paid out ever. Now that is two presents for me. For one it allows me to spend a few minutes talking about how the free market re-distributes wealth better than and dirty pinko "socialist" system could, and I also get to listen to the dirty commies around the world cry about 'conspicuous consumption' and how tragic it is that people get paid well for something. Never mind the fact that hundreds if not thousands of people will get better jobs, or raises or earn more due to higher sales volume in the area. Never mind the fact that the tax revenue created by the bonus' alone will foster improved government services. Never mind the fact that a great deal of that increased standard of living provided to the citizens is the direct result of lowering taxes. They will still cry about how unfair it is that anyone gets to be wealthy. As if fairness depends on everyone starving together. Ha ha ha... Take my Laffer Curve right to the kisser.



Just look what Adam Goldman had to say.

When I was ten I wanted to be a campaign director when I grew up... I'll admit that's a strange goal for a ten year old but then I'm not British.

Brits

This is what I'm talking about

My question is, do you get more than six bucks an hour for this?

Throat

Oh the World...

At least the rest of the world is even stupider than they think we are...

Gender

Warning

Where am I going and why am I in this hand-basket...

Baffling

I just cannot seem to figure out what it is that makes people think that they can't trust the Police. I just can't seem to put my finger on any on particular reason...

Drag

Construction

Elves

Bum

OT

OK

Truck

Hassle

Yeah I have no idea how anybody has a hard time trusting the Police.

At least part of the mainstream has our back...

Wall Street Journal

This will be the hot button issue for the next decade folks. Five years ago when it started looking grim for law abiding folks who wanted to enjoy a cigarette now and again I said it; they were coming after your food next, and here they are. You will start seeing a public relations push talking about the big corporate monsters that are poisoning you with... wait for it... Food. We are already seeing it, but believe me it will get out of hand.

Santa is Real

That's right you heard it from me.
Santa is real, and he's a cop. And what's more is he wants some new stuff so he and his elves (I always knew they weren't really humans) can "fight crime" some more.

Elves


Maybe with the money they steal... I mean receive from harmless citizens... I mean violent speeders, they can get an armored personnel carrier to fight violent criminals. Don't laugh, it takes a lot of money to shoot some unarmed black guys.

Ok ok that wasn't fair. They also shoot unarmed mexicans and potheads.

RIP Liberty we hardly knew ye..

We held these truths to be self-evident, that all men were created equal, that they were endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these were Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

But today, standing together we have lost a friend. No, we have lost a brother, a husband, a confidant, a dear companion. We stand together now with an empty spot in our hearts that will follow us for the length of our days. A spot that will always, if only symbolically, belong to our dearest Liberty. Here for a hairs breath it seems and then, gone.

It is a difficult and painful thing to watch the incrementally slow death of a friend. It is a difficult and painful thing to see his life drained out little by little before your eyes. It is an unbearable thing to watch that life drained out in another’s hands.

Liberty left us quietly this morning. Liberty left us when a man, an ordinary man suppressed his last breath. Liberty gave very little fight as that man, Michael Bloomberg, pushed him on to some distant shore.

Understand I come here to bury Liberty, not to praise him. The evil that men do lives after them. Liberty was my friend and treated me well. But Michael Bloomberg says that he was corrupting me and Bloomberg is an honorable man. Elected as he was by the judgment of honorable men. Now he finds that living among us, in the spirit that offered Bloomberg his place, was a villain. A villain whose heart, by which all of us have lived in the apparent faulty dependence of our own faculties, must now be cut away a piece at a time until it's beat is but a memory.

How deep is the pain of discovering that the judgment that brought us all together in this place, the judgment with which we choose our leaders, the judgment with which we have carried society on to its next great steps, is in fact our enemy. An enemy that has laid dark among us, eating at our tables; No, filling our tables and our houses, filling our hearts and our minds, is but the devil himself.

How deep a sense of betrayal knowing that he that gave us everything, he that brought us all our prosperity, is in fact our betrayer? And what was the sin of our dearest brother Liberty. What curator of life’s artifacts has pulled the cloth away to reveal the devil within him? Trans Fatty Acids. The name alone sends a shiver down my spine.

If Liberty that has given us a prosperous society, if Liberty that has built our houses and paved our streets, if liberty that has fed not only us but the world, if Liberty that feeds that world does so with a large pepperoni pizza and a bucket of extra crispy, then I say 'Gentlemen bear up that pall and carry our dear friend Liberty to his final rest. Fried foods are too high a price to pay, for a tiny thing like Freedom.

Good Medicine

Whiskey 1 - T-Totalers 0

Good Medicine

Men's Liberation 1 - Oppressors 0

Good Medicine

My teams came with their A-Game this week.

Pits filled with swine...

If I've learned one thing about politics, that would be to always hedge your bets.
That being said I keep an email account that I use almost exclusively to sign up for Democratic Party Direct mail... Never once have I used it for anything involving either of the other parties (I have other addresses for them), and never have I received anything from one of the other parties on it... That is, until today. For the most part I have only received updates from updates from the John Kerry camp on it, because that is where I dropped the email addy in order to get on said direct mail list... Today, however I received a mailer from the Republican party candidate for governor of Oregon... Hmmm..

Someone, somewhere is playing for both teams... I just wish one of the parties was playing for our team...

This just helps to substantiate what we already knew... They are all swine rooting in the same pile of feces...

Ah Camille...

Camille

Muslims are Awesome

Ok seriously folks, I was so totally against becoming a Muslim, on account of the whole keeping women covered up thing. I mean for the love of pete I likses me some nekkid bitches... But when I found out that the good word of the profit is that being a Muslim means never having to say your sorry (for raping nekkid bitches). Well holy shit I'm IN. (note the capital letters for emphasis) (and for nekkidness)

Check THIS out!!

I was NOT propositioned by Mark Foley

It has come to my attention of late that I have spent time in some pretty dangerous places in my life. Particularly dangerous it seems for heterosexual young men. As a child I was a catholic altar boy for a number of years. I was also a member of the Boy Scouts of America. And most recently it seems that I was in peril as a congressional employee in the year 2000 when on more than one occasion I attended events and had drinks with Congressman Mark Foley of Fla. The man previously referred to by congressional staffers as "the pink elephant." Now to be clear I was at events that the Congressman attended by chance and coincidence and not specifically to see Mr. Foley speak. Republican youth meetings or some such thing. The question that arises from these perilous situations is a simple one. Am I not pretty? I mean seriously if I could be in more situations that were likely to end in my being molested I can't imagine how, and yet... Nothing...

Now I don't wish to be molested (at least not by men, scoutmasters or elected officials) but I have to wonder if perhaps I wasn't molested in all these potentially dangerous situations because I was simply not an attractive young boy.

Oh the pain and the blow this is to my self esteem.

The Ends Against The Middle

The other day I was sitting with a group of young people in Los Angeles at a rally for a 'progressive' cause. A certain anti-war celebrity was there. I'm not going to use his name because it would only be self serving. But the rally itself was the interesting part. A self proclaimed "Guerilla advertising" campaign. The Left baffles me even as much as the Right does. They have a talent, nay even a penchant for acting like 9 year old boys. They sat watching a 40+ year old man in chuck taylors and a zip up hoodie talk about the right way to lie to the police to not only keep yourself out of jail but also "the cause". All this to hang some posters on a wall or two, when we know that in this country you can't be persecuted by the government for your ideas. Not unless you choose to express your ideas with paint and glue on someone else's property. A group of young passionate activists sitting around talking about a postering campaign as if it were a subversive anti government cell. The Weather Underground, bombing a research lab late one night. But there's no bomb, no conscription to fight. Tonight they meet in the shadows of the $100 a seat Hollywood opening to speak of clandestine advertising campaigns for a political play that may, yes it might, try oh try it will tonight, change the mind of one or two people on a war that freed 26 million Iraqi's from a vicious and evil dictator. Maybe our reasons for going into this was are unfair and unevenly applied. Perhaps they are economically motivated. But we sit in basements and cry wolf as loud as we can about a democratically elected 'tyrant' who engaged us in a war where less people have died per capita than would here in the states from disease and accidents. Inflationary crying isn't the answer. Blind adherence to the administration isn't the answer either. Most importantly neither is anyone's utopian idea of 100 percent agreement in anything. But what's fair to suggest is that far more people are trying to do what they believe is best for individuals and the nation than any one side would have you believe. Far less people are trying to rape and pillage the whole world than either party would have you believe. And no one should find them-selves overreacting to some pseudo-catastrophe and not pause to remember a few critical facts.

Some 50,000 Americans died at the Battle of Gettysburg in only three days. 54,000 in WWI and some 291,000 in WWII. The Korean war lost 33,000 and the Vietnam war 47,000. So if you think that America has reached its low... If you think that it's never been worse... If you think for a second that a visceral hatred of another group of American's is the answer; my thought for you is: GROW UP. These are not the subjects for adolescent attention seeking tactics. Not the subjects for instant judgement with no historical research. Stop acting like a 9 year old having a tantrum. Figure out a way to seek the agreement of the majority, the people, America. Or you will die, to an equally baffling yet similarly American opposition. Find a candidate, find an idea. No one follows "the opposition" party blindly to the death; not when Johnny comes marching home again, and you can still buy a late' a day for 4 dollars.

Global Warming????

In the wake of Hurricane Katrina many scientists and politicians have found an opportunity to do one of the things that scientists and politicians do best: find ridiculous links between news events and their Wild Assed Theories (WAT), and subsequently get paid a shitload of money to talk about them on TV. Since the current news story de jure is weather related, we now bring you everyone who ever had a WAT about global warming. A hurricane, no bigger than many of the heavy hitters that have come ashore in the past decades has struck dead-on a city that has known that it could not withstand dead on strike of this magnitude for longer than global warming has been a term in the "legitimate" scientific community. Wow somebody take a picture of my face so that you know what I look like when I'm shocked. I'll remind everyone that New Orleans was doing quite well throughout the hurricane until the levy broke and let all the water flood into the city. But I digress... It's time folks for my fifteen minutes on the morning shows. Presenting My WAT...

Hypothesis:

Global Warming caused the disaster in New Orleans.

Proof:

Global warming has caused an overall irritation amongst those in the already warm climates of Louisiana. Feeling the pangs off a heat wave one or more enterprising individuals constructed a time machine, went back in time, and built a really crappy levy that they knew would not withstand a Cat 4 hurricane. They then went to the home of Ray Crock and told him secrets that would lead him to develop a really small hot fudge sundae containing a secret addictive agent, which would eventually sell in his McDonalds stores for $.99.

Implications:

Global warming has not only cause the greatest natural disaster in recent memory; it has also made me hungry for a sundae. If I didn't have to go get one I would be able to tell you all about my WAT for fixing the environment...

Damn you Global Warming!!!

Behold the Pale Horse

Two articles today have brought to my attention something I fear I must share with everyone. In the first Jane Fonda is praising Laura Bush and their shared Christian values, and in the second Hillary Clinton and Newt Gingrich are having press conferences together and singing each other's praises and talking about health care policy.... And the seven angels came out of the temple, having the seven plagues, clothed in pure and white linen, and having their breasts girded with golden girdles. And one of the four beasts gave unto the seven angels seven golden vials full of the wrath of God, who liveth for ever and ever. And the temple was filled with smoke from the glory of God, and from his power; and no man was able to enter into the temple, till the seven plagues of the seven angels were fulfilled. It's the time of Armageddon when men lie down with the animals and are scorched by the heat of the flames of hell. There can be no other explanation for these the most unholy of pairings. Gather your guns and head for the hills kids and don't forget a sturdy umbrella, because it won't be long before the frogs rain down from the sky and the land is flooded with the blood of the dead of centuries past

Don't say I didn't warn you!

Oddball Rodent

The headline on the health and science section of the International Herrald Tribune reads ''Oddball rodent' in Laos takes scientists by surprise'... Laos? What about the House of Representatives. You don't need to go to Laos to discover new and disturbing rodents.

United Airlines

I just don't understand... United Airlines just emerged from the courtroom after winning a "victory" allowing it to default on some $3 billion dollars worth of pensions. This means that the burden of paying these pensions falls on hard working American citizens and the already overstretched tax dollar. What's more is that this shift will, for many people, mark a steep drop in the pension benefits promised them. How do you win screwing people out of a promise you made to them before as much as 20 years of devotion. How do you get away with that? Most importantly why do I have to pay for it now? It's disgusting to me that there is an atmosphere in this country that promises can be made to people with no intent to fulfill. We waste government funding on millions of frivolous and wasteful programs, but we can be bothered to fulfill one simple rudimentary function of government; the prevention of large scale fraud in legitimate business affairs. In my left ear I hear screaming and crying about how more money and oversight by the public sector is necessary. Why give the government more money and power when they can’t manage the simple basic tasks we charged them with in the beginning? What amount of intervention can prevent a bold and ridiculous default on promises made to working men and women? Maybe it was time to let a giant fold before we let it escape its obligation. Maybe when the option is sacrificing the women and children first, the answer is to let the ship go down.

Tsunami relief?

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day… Or something like that.

150,000 people I have never met are dead in a part of the world I have never seen. I’m not even sure how I’m supposed to feel about that. I should be overwhelmed I supposed but alas I am not. I can barely force myself to think about it when I have more pressing issues like it being the middle of the evening and I need a sandwich. That's what it's like to us in the western world. We'll all cry when in hurts our economy or if we happened to know someone there, but that's about it. Other than that we might send a check or something if we remember.

Here’s what I do think about when I do think about it. We’re sending millions of dollars across the sea for a relief effort. Which is awesome… I don’t think I have seen an outpouring of wealth voluntarily for nothing in return in as long as I can remember. But here’s the thing… Why just give them money, and goods? Sure they need them pretty badly and we must give enough to get these people through the initial shock. I say we divert some of this money though and start building factories and industry. I say we give them the opportunity to grow. Many of these nations qualify as third world and represent very little trade capacity. These were poor nations long before the sea swept across its borders and into homes. Why not take this opportunity to help them up beyond what they were before.

Imagine this; we talk to Nike, Hanes, Tyco and anybody else who is usually criticized for “sending jobs overseas” and offer them tax breaks to move industry into these devastated areas. We agree to invest the money we are already sending on infrastructure. We take a devastated labor force, put them back to work in jobs that to us are dirt cheap, but to them are tantamount to untold wealth. We use the money we are sending to hire local workers to rebuild these port cities. Then we hire them in our factories. Everybody wins. But here’s the kicker they don’t just win today. They win for a long time to come. Industry boosts the local economy. The influx of American dollars brings up the standard of living. And of course, trade begets trade. Growth begets growth. One industry needs structure and can’t afford it but many industries together will shoulder the cost of things like roads, energy, clean municipal water sources, working sewer systems and health care. The importation of cheap labor services will offset the cost and help boost American industry and the American economy.

Sure cold hard cash will feed these people this week. But industry will feed them long into the future. Industry will put clothes on their back and build schools for their children. Industry will turn Developing Nations into Developed Nations. And at the same time we get to import cheap labor which helps put goods in the hands of our citizens. Everybody wins. We have an opportunity to turn this tragedy and the outpouring philanthropic spirit into a fantastic gift for the world. Aren’t we obligated to do it?

Teach a man to sew Nikes and everybody eats.