Late advice to Barack Obama on recieving the Gentleman from Massachusetts

Guidelines for receiving the Gentleman from Massachusetts:

1. It's no secret that political figures are prone to certain involuntary behaviors such as the shaking of hands and the kissing of babies. It is usually harmless and generally acceptable to indulge this behavior. If, however, the Gentleman from Massachusetts is startled he may become confused; tranquilizer darts may be employed to stop or prevent the kissing of hands and the most unfortunate shaking of babies.

2. The Gentleman from Massachusetts, like many of his colleagues, has an uncontrollable penchant for the imbibing of distilled spirits. This may seem harmless to the casual observer. Nevertheless in the interest of the common welfare this
must be prevented. Many a small country or babysitter has been wiped off the
face of the earth in the wake of the Gentleman from Massachusetts and a cask of well aged brandy, or even a jug of filthy bathtub swill.

3. No person of any age being of the opposite sex should be left alone
in the presence of the Gentleman from Massachusetts. There need not be any further explanation, except to say that if in any case this guideline is broken the following
websites should be of the utmost import.

Planned Parenthood

Poison Control


4. No person of any age, being of the same sex should be left alone in
the presence of the Gentleman from Massachusetts. Better to be safe than sorry.

5. The Gentleman from Massachusetts should not be allowed to operate heavy machinery or automobiles as there is significant evidence to suggest a genetic
predisposition to unfortunate incidents involving mechanical implements.

6. Any articles left behind or dropped by the Gentleman from Massachusetts should be treated with the same care as any biological hazard. Latex gloves and eye
protection are highly recommended for their disposal. Items may include but
are not limited to the following: Empty liquor bottles, tufts of hair,
prescription drugs, prophylactics (used or otherwise), semi-conscious women, young boys, alligator carcasses, half eaten copies of the constitution, undergarments, souls of the damned, coin wrappers, rubber bands, address books filled with the phone numbers of third-rate-backwoods strippers and prostitutes, surgical implements and of course piles of the haplessly discarded hopes and dreams of a generation slowly choking to death on its own sick poisonous sweat.

Remember that these are just a few simple guidelines and the
true secrets to of survival with the Gentleman from Massachusetts lies in the subtleties of adaptation, a constant state of awareness and of course healthy quantities of mace and antibiotics.