Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Global Warming????

In the wake of Hurricane Katrina many scientists and politicians have found an opportunity to do one of the things that scientists and politicians do best: find ridiculous links between news events and their Wild Assed Theories (WAT), and subsequently get paid a shitload of money to talk about them on TV. Since the current news story de jure is weather related, we now bring you everyone who ever had a WAT about global warming. A hurricane, no bigger than many of the heavy hitters that have come ashore in the past decades has struck dead-on a city that has known that it could not withstand dead on strike of this magnitude for longer than global warming has been a term in the "legitimate" scientific community. Wow somebody take a picture of my face so that you know what I look like when I'm shocked. I'll remind everyone that New Orleans was doing quite well throughout the hurricane until the levy broke and let all the water flood into the city. But I digress... It's time folks for my fifteen minutes on the morning shows. Presenting My WAT...


Global Warming caused the disaster in New Orleans.


Global warming has caused an overall irritation amongst those in the already warm climates of Louisiana. Feeling the pangs off a heat wave one or more enterprising individuals constructed a time machine, went back in time, and built a really crappy levy that they knew would not withstand a Cat 4 hurricane. They then went to the home of Ray Crock and told him secrets that would lead him to develop a really small hot fudge sundae containing a secret addictive agent, which would eventually sell in his McDonalds stores for $.99.


Global warming has not only cause the greatest natural disaster in recent memory; it has also made me hungry for a sundae. If I didn't have to go get one I would be able to tell you all about my WAT for fixing the environment...

Damn you Global Warming!!!

Friday, May 13, 2005

Behold the Pale Horse

Two articles today have brought to my attention something I fear I must share with everyone. In the first Jane Fonda is praising Laura Bush and their shared Christian values, and in the second Hillary Clinton and Newt Gingrich are having press conferences together and singing each other's praises and talking about health care policy.... And the seven angels came out of the temple, having the seven plagues, clothed in pure and white linen, and having their breasts girded with golden girdles. And one of the four beasts gave unto the seven angels seven golden vials full of the wrath of God, who liveth for ever and ever. And the temple was filled with smoke from the glory of God, and from his power; and no man was able to enter into the temple, till the seven plagues of the seven angels were fulfilled. It's the time of Armageddon when men lie down with the animals and are scorched by the heat of the flames of hell. There can be no other explanation for these the most unholy of pairings. Gather your guns and head for the hills kids and don't forget a sturdy umbrella, because it won't be long before the frogs rain down from the sky and the land is flooded with the blood of the dead of centuries past

Don't say I didn't warn you!

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Oddball Rodent

The headline on the health and science section of the International Herrald Tribune reads ''Oddball rodent' in Laos takes scientists by surprise'... Laos? What about the House of Representatives. You don't need to go to Laos to discover new and disturbing rodents.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

United Airlines

I just don't understand... United Airlines just emerged from the courtroom after winning a "victory" allowing it to default on some $3 billion dollars worth of pensions. This means that the burden of paying these pensions falls on hard working American citizens and the already overstretched tax dollar. What's more is that this shift will, for many people, mark a steep drop in the pension benefits promised them. How do you win screwing people out of a promise you made to them before as much as 20 years of devotion. How do you get away with that? Most importantly why do I have to pay for it now? It's disgusting to me that there is an atmosphere in this country that promises can be made to people with no intent to fulfill. We waste government funding on millions of frivolous and wasteful programs, but we can be bothered to fulfill one simple rudimentary function of government; the prevention of large scale fraud in legitimate business affairs. In my left ear I hear screaming and crying about how more money and oversight by the public sector is necessary. Why give the government more money and power when they can’t manage the simple basic tasks we charged them with in the beginning? What amount of intervention can prevent a bold and ridiculous default on promises made to working men and women? Maybe it was time to let a giant fold before we let it escape its obligation. Maybe when the option is sacrificing the women and children first, the answer is to let the ship go down.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Tsunami relief?

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day… Or something like that.

150,000 people I have never met are dead in a part of the world I have never seen. I’m not even sure how I’m supposed to feel about that. I should be overwhelmed I supposed but alas I am not. I can barely force myself to think about it when I have more pressing issues like it being the middle of the evening and I need a sandwich. That's what it's like to us in the western world. We'll all cry when in hurts our economy or if we happened to know someone there, but that's about it. Other than that we might send a check or something if we remember.

Here’s what I do think about when I do think about it. We’re sending millions of dollars across the sea for a relief effort. Which is awesome… I don’t think I have seen an outpouring of wealth voluntarily for nothing in return in as long as I can remember. But here’s the thing… Why just give them money, and goods? Sure they need them pretty badly and we must give enough to get these people through the initial shock. I say we divert some of this money though and start building factories and industry. I say we give them the opportunity to grow. Many of these nations qualify as third world and represent very little trade capacity. These were poor nations long before the sea swept across its borders and into homes. Why not take this opportunity to help them up beyond what they were before.

Imagine this; we talk to Nike, Hanes, Tyco and anybody else who is usually criticized for “sending jobs overseas” and offer them tax breaks to move industry into these devastated areas. We agree to invest the money we are already sending on infrastructure. We take a devastated labor force, put them back to work in jobs that to us are dirt cheap, but to them are tantamount to untold wealth. We use the money we are sending to hire local workers to rebuild these port cities. Then we hire them in our factories. Everybody wins. But here’s the kicker they don’t just win today. They win for a long time to come. Industry boosts the local economy. The influx of American dollars brings up the standard of living. And of course, trade begets trade. Growth begets growth. One industry needs structure and can’t afford it but many industries together will shoulder the cost of things like roads, energy, clean municipal water sources, working sewer systems and health care. The importation of cheap labor services will offset the cost and help boost American industry and the American economy.

Sure cold hard cash will feed these people this week. But industry will feed them long into the future. Industry will put clothes on their back and build schools for their children. Industry will turn Developing Nations into Developed Nations. And at the same time we get to import cheap labor which helps put goods in the hands of our citizens. Everybody wins. We have an opportunity to turn this tragedy and the outpouring philanthropic spirit into a fantastic gift for the world. Aren’t we obligated to do it?

Teach a man to sew Nikes and everybody eats.