Friday, February 29, 2008

Happy Birthday

If you were born on this date in 1924... Happy 21st Birthday. After 84 years you can finally drink a beer. I'll buy.

Really? Mondale? Really?

There's a stink about the Clinton campaign. A stink that seems familiar to some. No I'm not talking about the stink of used up whores that stick's to Mr. Bill. I'm talking about the stink of desperation.

One of the benefits of a field full of terrible, and similarly destructive candidates is that I can revel in the failures and pitfalls of anyone who isn't doing well. I can be just as gleeful as I want to be when I see Hillary shitting in her own pool, because I know that there is no probable positive outcome to this presidential election. No matter what happens the next president of the United States will be a douche bag, who won by defeating other douche bags. Sure it might be a half black douche bag, or a female douche bag; Or a douche bag who is only an R' because he's got a bone to pick with the VC and the D's hate that. But it will definitely be a grade-A prime douche bag.

I digress.

Clinton scored points recently by tricking Obama into calling a photo of himself a dirty trick (why do they take the bait?) and tricking the R's into using the same photo in racially charged direct mail. The mere fact that anyone swung at that pitch in the dirt is incredible; let alone everybody swinging for the fences. All the while Hill's campaign just sat back and commended the Senator for learning about other cultures. Score one for Hill; but it was not enough to save her drowning mission to get blown by an intern in the oval office. The stink of desperation is as follows: Stealing campaign ads from Walter Mondale. (might be hard to really call it stealing as the ads were made by the same person)

Tuesday, February 12, 2008


I want it. I'm skipping the I-phone altogether. Just a note I have already weened myself away from Microsoft's Office software because of superior 'free' open source products like Open Office. I can't wait for a new platform for open source smart phone development.

Monday, February 11, 2008


I keep seeing ads for AARP's special insurance program for older drivers. I find myself wondering what special coverage might be necessary for those more experienced drivers who are advanced in years. The ad makes it seem like AARP's pool of mature drivers facilitates lower rates. I'm not an insurance expert though I have had some experience with the structures involved in risk management. I ask is this really a low risk group?

* In November, an 89-year-old man whose car hurtled through a farmers market in California in 2003, killing 10 people and injuring more than 70 others, received five years of probation because a judge deemed him too ill to go to prison.
* Last August, a sport utility vehicle driven by an 89-year-old man plowed into pedestrians and vendors at an open-air public market in Rochester, N.Y., injuring 10 people.
* In October 2005 in North Dakota, an 87-year-old woman on her way to a doctor appointment smashed her car into the hospital’s lobby, injuring five women.

Perhaps AARP offers special 'after forty years of driving I forgot which pedal was the breaks and I plowed through a crowd of school children' forgiveness.

Or maybe I should stop watching television in the middle of the afternoon.

Is this what all the Republicans are talking about?

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Sobbing Women

" Tell you about them sobbing women
Who lived in the Roman days
It seems that they all went swimming
While their man was off to graze
Well, a Roman Troop was riding by
And saw them in their me-oh-my
So they took them all back home to dry
Least, that's what Plutarch says

Oh, yes, them a-women was sobbing
Sobbing, sobbing fit to be tied
Every muscle was throbbing, throbbing
From that riotious ride
Seems they cried and kissed
And kissed and cried
All over that Roman countryside
So don't forget that
When you're taking a bride
Sobbing fit to be tied
From that riotious ride"
-- From the Musical Seven Brides for Seven Brothers

I won't say much in defense of John McCain but I am pretty sure he cried less in five years in a bamboo cage than this ridiculous idiot has in the last three months. If I were a democrat I would be praying for an Obama victory.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

With Friends Like This

Seriously if an R comes up with a $3t dollar budget... What's the goddamn difference.


Monday, February 04, 2008

Nobody Told Her

Perhaps the D's aren't trading notes anymore. Somebody should slip Hill a post-it or something. Everybody knows that in order for a D to become president s/he needs to at least pretend not to be a communist dictator until AFTER the election. It's just a minor timing issue really. Easy mistake to make. Amateurs do it all the time. Just a little cart-before-the-horse problem that can be easily remedied. I can offer a simple formula that can, perhaps, shed a little light on the process.



You see if you get those steps in the wrong order, people think you are fucking communist idiot.

If you hang your entire election on two concepts:

A. You have the right idea to fix what you claim is a wildly broken health insurance system.

B. You have the right idea to fix an ailing economy.

You should NOT, and I can't seem to figure out a way to emphasize this enough, you should NOT tell everyone that your plan to fix the health insurance system is... drum roll please; make it illegal to not buy health insurance. And do NOT throw in a bonus personal financial penalty for to worry about.

Truly a brilliant plan; I can't wait for the next step when she makes poverty illegal and punishable by a huge fine.

If you want to actually be president just wait a little longer, hold out for just a few more months. And never announce ahead of time your master plan to jam your giant black Stalinist dildo up our collective asses.

Hillary Care

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Thousands Standing Around

The largest single affront to the fourth amendment in the last 100 years, now has a blog. Yippee


Saturday, February 02, 2008

Late advice to Barack Obama on recieving the Gentleman from Massachusetts

Guidelines for receiving the Gentleman from Massachusetts:

1. It's no secret that political figures are prone to certain involuntary behaviors such as the shaking of hands and the kissing of babies. It is usually harmless and generally acceptable to indulge this behavior. If, however, the Gentleman from Massachusetts is startled he may become confused; tranquilizer darts may be employed to stop or prevent the kissing of hands and the most unfortunate shaking of babies.

2. The Gentleman from Massachusetts, like many of his colleagues, has an uncontrollable penchant for the imbibing of distilled spirits. This may seem harmless to the casual observer. Nevertheless in the interest of the common welfare this
must be prevented. Many a small country or babysitter has been wiped off the
face of the earth in the wake of the Gentleman from Massachusetts and a cask of well aged brandy, or even a jug of filthy bathtub swill.

3. No person of any age being of the opposite sex should be left alone
in the presence of the Gentleman from Massachusetts. There need not be any further explanation, except to say that if in any case this guideline is broken the following
websites should be of the utmost import.

Planned Parenthood

Poison Control

4. No person of any age, being of the same sex should be left alone in
the presence of the Gentleman from Massachusetts. Better to be safe than sorry.

5. The Gentleman from Massachusetts should not be allowed to operate heavy machinery or automobiles as there is significant evidence to suggest a genetic
predisposition to unfortunate incidents involving mechanical implements.

6. Any articles left behind or dropped by the Gentleman from Massachusetts should be treated with the same care as any biological hazard. Latex gloves and eye
protection are highly recommended for their disposal. Items may include but
are not limited to the following: Empty liquor bottles, tufts of hair,
prescription drugs, prophylactics (used or otherwise), semi-conscious women, young boys, alligator carcasses, half eaten copies of the constitution, undergarments, souls of the damned, coin wrappers, rubber bands, address books filled with the phone numbers of third-rate-backwoods strippers and prostitutes, surgical implements and of course piles of the haplessly discarded hopes and dreams of a generation slowly choking to death on its own sick poisonous sweat.

Remember that these are just a few simple guidelines and the
true secrets to of survival with the Gentleman from Massachusetts lies in the subtleties of adaptation, a constant state of awareness and of course healthy quantities of mace and antibiotics.